Last night Jess and I had quite the text conversation, which subsequently led to follow-up via voice. It must be shared.
I received this photo with the caption, “These are the times I wish I had a husband…”
Me, “Ahahahahaha. Want me to do it?”
Her, “I handled two rats at the old house, but this one is covered in placenta.”
Me, “Placenta is good for your hair. You should save that part.”
Her, “Vomit… in… mouth…”
Me, “You can buy it at Walgreens. I love it. I’ll get you some next time. It comes in fancy glass vials. Think PETA would destroy me for this?”
Her, “If you can actually buy placenta at Walgreens I may never shop there again. After having DELIVERED placenta out of my hoo hoo I can honestly say… Bleh!”
My next message that never got sent because I got a phone call from mom informing me that Nick and I were now hosting my sister’s birthday party 48 hours later. Had to hop into action. (Not a complaint, just changed focus rapidly.) This is what I intended to send but forgot. “Not just there. All drug stores, Fred Meyer, Target… They all sell this hair care product. I’m sure it’s not human baby, but animal baby. Works like a charm.”
Post shopping for bday festivity goods I called Jess (hands free) on the way home. We had a nice little chat about said placenta.
Ring, ring, ring…..
Me, “You picked up?! What?! You never pick up. Woo hoo!”
Her, “Ha ha.”
Me, “I can’t believe you don’t want to try this stuff. It’s great for your hair!”
Her, “Again, I will not use any products that are made of the same thing that came out of my hoo hoo.”
Me, “But it has a ton of nutrients and things.”
Her, “Yeah, and cats eat their placentas after giving birth, but have you met me? I am not a cat. Cats also lick their own butts. I do neither of these things. I saw that thing after giving birth to the boys, it is gross and full of slime and blood and all sorts of gross things…..”
My thought that I didn’t say because her statement just got better, “Placenta that I buy is clear. It must go through a thorough cleansing process.”
Her continued, “…You know what else? I heard that there are some people having their placentas made into vitamin capsules and taking them as pills. That is so gross!”
Me, “Hmm…. Well, I’m not a cat and don’t want to eat my placenta right out of my hooey, and I’m not sure about licking my own butt, but getting all those vitamins and nutrients back in your body can’t be a bad thing. I’m going to have to look in to these so-called placenta vitamins. Seriously though. You can get this stuff everywhere, all drug stores and super stores. I like to combine my placenta hair care with cholesterol.”
Her, “You can use my cholesterol in your hair whenever you like.”
Me, “Thanks! If I could figure out a way to do it without killing you and ripping your veins out of your body I’d take you up on that.”
Her, “And you are disgusting. I don’t know if we can still be friends.”
Me, “That’s not true. I’ve said and done far worse things than this.”
In a conversation with mom this morning she said that someone who shall remain nameless unless they want to reveal themselves planted her baby’s placenta under a rose bush. It grew beautifully! I can personally attest to it.
Such a diverse baby bi-product.
Here are some alternative uses for placenta from TheCradle.com.