UPDATE: The mind of a husband….

As I was blissfully typing the tale of my husband eating pork that was probably going to kill him and secretly thinking about the fact that his insurance policy is inadequate to carry on our lifestyle after his self inflicted demise I found out some information. Whilst I was typing this post he decided to clean the garage with an abrasive cleaner that may or may not be harmful, fair enough. At the end of said cleaning excursion, however, he thought it better than to use one of our 3 bathrooms, or even the laundry room with the massive industrial sink for that matter, to wash his entire head, and hair, in the garage sink, “because it was more convenient,” than the other faucets available to him. Yep. Married to a Tim Allen/Chris Farley wannabe here. :)

…..This evening the wonderful and immaculate Nick and I had a conversation about food. He and I both got home from work/errands around 6:30 p.m. Neither one of us had an inkling into what should or should not be cooked this evening.

As a forethought, we must note, last night I baked pork chops. We had roasted potatoes and broccoli in a cheese sauce as an accent and it was delectable.

Today, at 6:30 a.m. I noticed, on my way to work, that the pork chops were still sitting on the kitchen counter.

???????

Now, I totally get that people should take personal responsibility for things within their lives. It only comes into question wherein there are multiple lives at stake here.

Uh…… hey buddy….. are you, in fact, unaware that someone else cooked a savory meal for you? Are you incapable of sticking said leftovers in the refrigerator????? But I digress….

I emailed the famous (infamous) honey bunny about the pork chop situation at some point during my day. He said sorry, but famously made up for said faux pas with the admission that he ate the rotten pork chops (after cooking them for 3.5 minute in the microwave) on his lunch break. He also ate all of the biscuits that probably wouldn’t have killed a soul via botulism or salmonella.

Enter home, November 14, 2012:

Many discussions have been had about the dinner situation…. Do we eat leftovers… do we not??????? Somewhere in the line of questioning and fridge perusing it comes up that that recently bought (last night) Tollhouse cookie sleeve is 1/2 empty.

Me, “How did this sleeve become miraculously empty?”

Honey Bunny, “I ate them.”

Me, (questioning his understanding of salmonella), “Did you eat them raw?”

Honey Bunny, “Nope, I baked them on lunch.”

Me, “So you ate old, bacteria laced pork chops and 8 cookies for lunch?”

Honey Bunny, “No. I only ate 7. Jane, my coworker asked for one.”

Me, “That makes things all better then. Sooooo….. I think that we’ll eat leftovers tonight and not take n bake pizza if that’s alright with you.”

Then the hugs and wrestling and pinches and laughs ensued.

We have a hilarious, charmed marriage, that is for sure, but it is certain…. the man is 100% unaware of the dangers of bacteria.

Poll: Using a funeral home as a turnaround: Awesome or douchey? You decide.

My new commute from downtown Portland to West Linn takes me along Macadam Ave./ HWY 43 almost the entire way. It is so much better than taking 26 and having to go through those stupid tunnels that back up the freeway for miles. I’m super grateful for the mellow, if not slightly frustrating hitting all the stop lights in Lake Oswego, commute.

I have noticed something that I don’t know whether or not to call ingenious or super douchey.

There is a particular point in the commute where people heading to the East side of Portland have to cross the soon-to-be-rebuilt, 2-lane, Sellwood Bridge. There is a ton of traffic and people coming from both directions in the lane dedicated to the bridge get backed up pretty ridiculously. It seems to be the worst for the traffic heading South on 43 then trying to cross the bridge. I always get by them quite nicely, because I get to drive in the thru traffic lane to stay on 43 until almost my front door. It’s great.

At this Sellwood Bridge juncture there is a stop light with a small road off to the right if you’re heading South. I have come to notice that many drivers decided to avoid the 1/2 – 1 mile long wait to get across the bridge by pulling off to the right and doing a u-turn in a…..

(Here’s where I’m confused as to the ingenuity vs. douchebaggery)

….Funeral home parking lot.

See map below.

So here’s my deal, these folks who perform this operation totally get to use the advantage of the stop light and get on the bridge WAAAAAYYYYY faster than those who wait, but IT’S A FUNERAL HOME!

So here’s where I need your input. Please let me know what you think about the situation. You can vote for my poll responses or create your own.

Update: A quick warning about marriage

Update: Due to concern for both my health and marriage if, in fact, I did look like an evil giant slug from outer space, I have posted a different picture of what I looked like within 10 minutes of that time as well. I suppose I must concede that most folks on the planet haven’t actually seen me either, 1. ever or 2. in quite some time. My hilarious inside joke with friends cannot possibly be conveyed correctly to the masses three people who will read this, without a picture of reality.

Before anyone gets all bent out of shape, this is not Nick bashing time. I am just going to illustrate the visual difference both pre and post marriage.

For Halloween 2008 I dressed up as Princess Leia in her slave costume after she’d been captured by Jabba the Hutt in Star Wars, Return of the Jedi. It was actually before I had ever met Nick.

Recently I took a photo of myself and realized that after 3 1/2 years together, 1 1/2 of wedded bliss, I much more closely resemble Jabba.

Slave Leia with Jabba in Star Wars, Return of the Jedi.

Thank goodness Honey Bunny loves me so much! It must truly be all about personality.

…..Or love really is blind. He might need a new contact prescription come to think of it. I won’t push the issue. Maybe I’ll lose some weight before he realizes what’s going on. Should Nick even be driving?!!! This level of blindness cannot be safe.

Fair warning. That’s all I can say. Fair warning. ;)

Update: A rant about something you don’t care about and will find boring but I still typed it anyway. That’s why it’s called a “rant.”

Update: After my rant, and getting yet another phone call about not sending a report, but it turns out she just hadn’t seen it, I had a convo and told her that if the month ended on M – Th she would never see the report any earlier than the 9th. Woo hoo! She said she’d start looking for it on the 10th. Point for the good guys! :)

Dear local, city, county, state, and federal construction payroll reporting entities who require monthly reports by the 5th,

You are going about the collection of your payroll reports the wrong way when you assume they should be submitted for the previous month by the 5th of the following month. Let me explain why this is so.

Sometimes, the last day of a month falls on a Monday, which is the typical start of your average construction work week. This would mean that the first Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday of the following month would fall within the same payroll week as the last day of the prior month. I have never heard of payroll being dispersed to employees on a daily basis in this industry, but I haven’t worked everywhere, therefore, maybe I’m remiss in assuming that paying employees once a week, bi-weekly, twice a month, or once a month is standard procedure. Let us state, for argument’s sake, that payroll is typically dispersed once a week, on Friday, for the hours worked the week prior. We shall now go through the steps of processing payroll:

  1. Time cards must be generated by the supervisor of a job site during the work week (our hypothetical work week being Sunday the 29th – Saturday the 5th of some random month).
  2. It is submitted to the payroll department by a designated date of the following week. Why the following week you ask? Because what if employees need to work on the weekend? Their weekend overtime pay would not have been recorded by Friday. Let’s call this day Monday. In our hypothetical month that makes it the 7th, already 2 days after your due date.
  3. The payroll department then reviews the payroll and enters it into the accounting system and cuts checks. This can be a 2 day process in and of itself so let’s call it Wednesday the 9th.
  4. Checks are given to employees on the same day of the week as is designated by union contract or employment agreement if non-union, typically Friday. Why can’t you give them out earlier? Well you can if you aren’t working any more days that week, if the job is 4 ten-hour shift each week, or if the employee is leaving on a vacation, but if you were to hand out checks on days of the week prior to the agreement the employee could then state they believed it to be the “regular” payroll day and demand checks be cut the earlier day each week. Legally it could be construed as “establishing a precedent” nullifying the original agreement. What if payroll was so massive at your particular company that you could not print all the checks by earlier than Friday that week? Then there would be financial and legal ramifications for said company if they weren’t out on time by the “new” date because you paid them early to satisfy the desires of the payroll reporting system.
  5. Certified payroll is not generated until the same date as checks, the reports are completed only after all gross pay for all work performed and all deductions from checks has been recorded into the accounting system. Until this happens certified payroll would be inaccurate.
  6. Why does certified payroll matter? Because it is required to accompany the same reports you are requiring by the 5th of each month.

How do these steps affect you as the entity requesting these reports?

It means that if a union contract states employees are to be paid by Friday, checks will not likely be cut by the payroll department until Wednesday. If the last day of the prior month is a Monday that means the employees work all week through until Friday, and maybe even pull overtime on the weekend. Then payroll is entered and certified payroll reports are generated the following Wednesday. The very first date your reports are available with accuracy is the 9th of the month following the one you want the report for, but nooooooo……….. YOU WANT IT THE 5TH! The 5th is a Saturday in our hypothetical month! No payroll department is going to work Saturday to get incomplete reports to you. Payroll staff usually work for a salary! Or if they don’t their bosses certainly won’t authorize overtime for them to get a possibly incorrect report to you a couple of days earlier.

Here is a calendar to visually depict the events I have addressed.

You may now be thinking to yourself, “Why can’t they just run off a report for that one day and add it to the pile?” Well, if you know anything about certified payroll you know that the week ending dates must coincide with real weeks ending in the month. Further, there isn’t a responsible business person out there who would authorize their superintendents to process two sets of time cards in a week, their payroll department to process two sets of payroll information, checks, and reports in a week, creating less productivity in all departments just because you want to know that John Doe is a Native American, Journeyman, Carpenter, living in the 07852 zip code who worked 50 hours at that job site. It’s just not reasonable.

Now I completely understand getting reminder emails for late reported things if I’m being negligent, but let’s be reasonable here! I have no desire for auto-generated hateful spam email reminding me I’m late when I don’t even have the information in from the employees yet. And to make matters even worse this same circumstance happens if the last day of the month falls on a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday. Those checks still likely will not have been cut and reports generated until the day after it’s due unless the last day of the prior month is a Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. Annoying!

My request is to please amend your reporting due date the 10th.

Olympics 2016 Here I Come – Racewalking is Awesome!

Okay, yeah, I get that I’m too late  for 2012 but this is such an awesome way I can try and compete!

Power walking! 

Basically you just power walk, “race walk” for 20 kilometers. I can totally do that! I used to have to do that with a kevlar helmet, weapon, full ruck sack, and wearing full gear through sand dunes all the time in the Army. Rules: 1 foot has to be on the ground at all times, and your leg that is on the ground has to stay straight.

Seriously this is a great idea!

1. Being in the Olympics is cool.

2. I would be forced to get in shape if I were training for the Olympics. Duh!

3. I bet it makes your butt look fantastic!

4. There would actually be a legit reason for my distinctive booty shaking walk. When people comment on how I walk my response would no longer be, “That’s just the way I’m built.” I would say, “I’m an Olympic athlete, I’ve trained my butt to shake from side to side to give me more power. It’s not my fault you find it distracting. Donate to my travel fund.”

This is a win-win people! Go Team USA! Sarah for the Summer Olympics 2016! Rio bound baby!

***Yeah, there’s a good chance this won’t come to fruition, but I’m going to think about it really hard for a day or two… while I’m kicking back with a beer that is.***

Tell me what I want for my birthday

Well, my birthday is Sunday and I don’t know what to tell the hubby I want. Granted, I did buy myself a settee for the master bedroom, but I don’t think that counts because we needed one anyway. Saying it was “for my birthday” was truly just a ploy to prevent Nick from doing his typical thing, which is saying, “Let’s think about this for 3 months and check out all the reviews and consumer reports on all possible products.”

My new bedroom birthday settee.

I don’t really think I “need” anything. I don’t want anything terribly expensive, but I would like something. I have been asking about matching platinum and diamond band to make my wedding ring more symmetrical, but with the whole we just bought a house and a bunch of furniture thing going on I’m not going to push my luck.

I also don’t particularly want anything I’ve gotten from him in the past.

2009 – Diamond earrings. Ooh la, lah. – Out because I’m not trying to make this expensive.

2010 – Snuggy, As Scene on TV’s Rock ‘n’ Chop, and all of the Gorillaz CDs. – I no longer need a snuggy, rock ‘n’ chop, or Gorillaz CDs, because I have them.

2011 – Weekend vacation at the Oregon Coast in a fancy shmancy ocean front hotel. – We are traveling for 2 weddings in the upcoming weeks already so I don’t really want to go anywhere.

Facts: One of our upcoming trips is to Vegas. Maybe there’s something in that idea.

So, please leave me comments telling me what I want. :)

Update: I found something I totally want! Mixed drink Hummingbird feeders. Yes!

Updates and I Hate Spam (The email kind, not the kind in a can, because plate lunch is good!)

Okay. I know I’m a big loser for not blogging, but I’ve actually been busy. In the last couple of months this is what’s gone on:

- Finals;

- Won a kickball championship. Woo hoo!;

- Slid into 3rd base and screwed up my knee in the championship game, but only needed to bandage it for a couple of weeks. Decent scar;

- Friend’s birthday/fight night;

- Dad stayed with me for 3 1/2 weeks;

- Spent a weekend at the beach clam digging;

- Left town the weekend before the 4th and visited mom;

- Anything but clothes (ABC) party where we had to make our outfits out of alternative materials/objects;

- Dad came back for 5 days;

- More kickball (of course);

- Bridal shower;

- Bachelor party at our house, therefore slumber party at my BFF’s house;

- Furnished 2 of our spare bedrooms;

- Painted an accent wall in the great room;

- Got myself a settee for the master for my birthday in 2 weeks;

- Trying to design a “modern” room around some gorgeous chairs given to us by a family friend;

- Friends! I get to see my friends! I took the summer off of school and have been doing a lot of visiting. It’s been great!;

- Lots of laundry;

- And all that normal stuff like work, sleep, food, etc…;

- Oh, and slid into 3rd base subbing for another team this time screwing up my knee really badly. I have an MRI today to find out if I have tendon tears and need to immobilize my leg for 6 weeks. We have the kickball championship on Sunday so I sincerely hope it’s just ugly, not really hurt. See photo below.

All the colors of the rainbow.

Today’s post will be brief, but I must insist that it has me nearly over the edge. I’m going bonkers.

Preface: You know spam right? Well a company is continually sending a promotion to ‘like’ them on Facebook and possibly win an iPad to my office email address. I’ve unsubscribed a number of times, but the crux of the matter is that my office email address is the catch-all for any misaddressed email at our server. The company sending the promotion keeps sending email to different people, some that have never worked here, and I keep getting these emails over and over and over again. They are actually a company I use regularly, and will continue to do so, but that means I cannot put them into the spam filter. So I just keep getting email after email after email to friggin’ ‘like’ a FB page and possibly win an iPad. It is driving me bonkers.

See the email string below. (I have changed all names/real information to protect the innocent and myself from being sued.)


 

From: info@i_am_an_annoying_spam_email.com [mailto:info@i_am_an_annoying_spam_email.com]
To: firstnamelastname@the_company_i_work_for.com
Subject: Annoying Spam Company iPad Promotion

For non-Facebook users:

Step1: Create your own Facebook account:

            Go here to sign up for an account.
Need help signing up? Watch this YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/Annoying_Spam_Company_Video_

Step2: Go to our fan page

            http://www.facebook.com/Annoying_Spam_Company

Step3: Click the “Like” button and become a fan

For Facebook users:

Go to our fan page  http://www.facebook.com/Annoying_Spam_Company and click the “Like” button and become a fan
Watch the video to learn about our new cloud printing solution Annoying Spam Company: Digital Document Shipping
http://www.youtube.com/Annoying_Spam_Company_Video_

I see this like 20 times a day.

To unsubscribe this account from our mailing list, click here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is where after clicking unsubscribe about 20 different times I am still getting email. I call their 1-800 number and immediately ask to speak to management. After a random customer service person is confused (I knew that would happen which is why I asked to speak to management in the first place) I am transferred to management and they have me forward the email you saw above. The one I’ve gotten about 100 times already! Ugh.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FW: Annoying Spam Company iPad Promotion

From: support-owner@mail.Annoying Spam Company.com [mailto:support-owner@mail.Annoying Spam Company.com] On Behalf Of CallMeQuirky
To: support@Annoying Spam Company.com
Subject: [Annoying Spam Company-Support] FW: Annoying Spam Company iPad Promotion

To Whom It May Concern:

I continually get this email over, and over, and over again throughout the day sent to myriad different names @the_company_i_work_for.com. It is distracting, this is spam, I will not like you on Facebook nor will I try to win an iPad. Please stop sending me all mail regarding this promotion.

Thanks,

CallMeQuirky


 

From: Some Customer Service Guy [mailto:SomeCustomerServiceGuy@Annoying_Spam_Company.com
To: 'CallMeQuirky'
Cc: support@Annoying Spam Company.com
Subject: RE: [Annoying Spam Company-Support] FW: Annoying Spam Company iPad Promotion

Hi CallMeQuirky,

We request you to kindly click on “To unsubscribe this account from our mailing list, click here.” at the very bottom of the email. This would stop promotional emails.

Thanks & Regards.

Some Customer Service Guy

Please consider the environment before printing this e-mail.

NOTICE: This e-mail and any attachment contain confidential information that may be legally privileged. If you are not the intended recipient, you must not review, retransmit, print, copy, use or disseminate it. Please immediately notify us by return e-mail and delete it.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From: support-owner@mail.Annoying Spam Company.com [mailto:support-owner@mail.Annoying Spam Company.com] On Behalf Of CallMeQuirky
To: Some Customer Service Guy
Cc: support@Annoying_Spam_Company.com
Subject: RE: [Annoying Spam Company-Support] FW: Annoying Spam Company iPad Promotion

Some Customer Service Guy,

I have been unsubscribing, but unfortunately I am receiving this email to a plethora of different email addresses. As I stated before all emails addressed with @the_company_i_work_for.com come to me unless it is a valid user name. Mine is the “catch all” just in case someone misspells the name of an email address. For example all of these would come to me, because these people don’t work here:

WinnieThePooh@the_company_i_work_for.com

MickeyMouse@the_company_i_work_for.com

JesusChrist@the_company_i_work_for.com

MahatmaGandi@the_company_i_work_for.com

I am receiving emails for not only former employees, but people who have never worked here, ever, and may not even exist. They are also combining random first names with the last names of both current and former employees. I need for all email addresses ending in @the_company_i_work_for.com to be removed immediately. It is unbelievably annoying and a distraction.

Thanks,

CallMeQuirky

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi CallMeQuirky,

Technically this is not possible. For eg. We validate both Username “WinnieThePooh” and the domain “@the_company_i_work_for.com” . So if the username is not valid then the email should fail.

But I will still check our email blast system and remove all emails with @the_company_i_work_for.com. Apologize for the inconvenience.

Thanks,

___________________________________________________

Some Customer Service Guy

Please consider the environment before printing this e-mail.

NOTICE: This e-mail and any attachment contain confidential information that may be legally privileged. If you are not the intended recipient, you must not review, retransmit, print, copy, use or disseminate it. Please immediately notify us by return e-mail and delete it.

FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING GOOD AND HOLY I HOPE THAT TOOK CARE OF IT! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Time I Pooped My Pants in Public

Scene: 12-years-old, awkward, i.e. simultaneous mullet and rat tail turned into bad perm. Awkward is the kindest word for it. 5’1”, 116 lbs, buck teeth, gap teeth. Giant eyes, giant mouth. Brianiac. 4.0 student and in all the advanced placement classes offered. Socially awkward.

Now let’s add in 1 more wonderful element to the story…………

SUMMER CAMP.

It was circa 1993. My mother and sister were away at some sporting event, either softball or gymnastics, I have no idea because she has always been the talented one. My father was working swing shift or graveyard shift or something that prohibited contact with me. Grandma took over.

I was scheduled to arrive for a week-long sleepover summer camp at Lake Mayfield, Washington. It was a church camp. Of course there were the obligatory confessing and affirming yourself to Jesus moments, but in reality it was as angsty and horrible as any episode of 90201 past or present.

SUMMER CAMP.

Who can forget?

Have I mentioned my awkward look and behavior yet? Let me elaborate. My hairdresser informed me that the more I ran my fingers through my curls the more I would loosen them and lose them more quickly. I had a horrible habit of just randomly flipping my hair out of my eyes, bending over from the waist and yanking my head back like a spastic version Paulette trying “The Bend and Snap,” in Legally Blonde. Oh, and that same year I was on crutches for 22 weeks for 3 different injuries and in a special blue Velcro shoe for an additional 6 weeks.

My special shoe. My foot looked like this for 6 weeks.

WE ARE NOT RACKING UP THE POPULARITY POINTS HERE PEOPLE!!!!!

Now, let’s just compound things. The weeknight before summer camp “I became a woman.” In layman’s terms that means that I started to bleed profusely from my nether regions without much of an idea of how to stop said situation.

My grandma, being the wonderful woman she is, came up with several helpful ideas. First… pads. Yes, this made sense. It would stop all visible evidence of my having any sort of personal issue what-so-ever. However, I pointed out that the camp was on a lake and the brochure specifically mentioned swimming, water skiing, and inner tubing behind boats. I wasn’t certain that Velcro or sticky wings on the outside of my bathing suit would be appropriate for the circumstances.

Her next idea was tampons. Now that was brilliant. Although not a complete expert in the subject matter I was aware of the intent of such apparatus (that word’s for you Jessica). Junk mail had sent enough tester Tampax, et. all. that my friends and I were aware of the purpose as well as the dangers of Toxic Shock Syndrome. Per the rumors on the boxes you could swim, dive, scuba, dance, have cocktails, and be a millionaire rock star without anyone ever knowing you leaked blood from your vagina at least 1 week of every month. SOLD!!!!!

So we got me some tampons and sent me on my merry way. There were only about 7 gallons of tears. Not the 700 I should have expected from myself.

I arrived at summer camp. Remember the ugly and awkward parts?  Now we need to add my limited knowledge of Jesus. These kids knew everything!!! If you asked them anything about science or physics or philosophy or anything they were able to answer you with THE BIBLE!!!! “Because Jesus said this…” “God created the earth in 7 days, dinosaurs were in that 7 days, he just didn’t like them…” “Evolution is a lie and Darwin is a heathen!” Man was I an idiot! Had I only paid attention in the 10 prior years of indoctrination into the Four Square Church I may have had a chance.

NO WAY.

My path was not to be one of the accepted within the folds of the flock. My path was to be an outsider. I’m almost certain they thought I was destined to become a bonafide Judas Iscariot. At any rate, I was shunned.

Okay, fine. Actually, since my cabin was forced to hang out with me regardless I took it pretty much in stride. My school pretty much hated me. I pretty much hated me. Summer camp hating me too was alright.

Then………………………….. Like a shining ray of God Light out of the sky…………………….. Like a beam of warmth on a chilly winter day……………………….. Like a magic oasis in the middle of the dessert……. Ben appeared.

He was THE COOLEST KID AT CAMP. He KNEW EVERYTHING about Christ. He was sooooooooooo……….. tall. Like 5’4” tall. Woah! He had blond hair and was super skinny and just HAD IT GOIN’ ON! And for some totally unaccountable reason….. he liked me??????????????????

This kid started sitting near me in the prayer/Jesus affirmation/confess your sins/talk about what Jesus has done for you in your life (no mention of what you have done for yourself in your life, mind you) sessions in the lodge. Me? Whaaaaaaaaaa……………………ttttttttt??????? (I assumed at the time dude had to have been on drugs.) The zinger of it all was that the ladies in the cabin were also all like……. Whaaaa….tttt??? Sarah the ugly girl? Sarah the one who thinks that religion might not be 100% correct? Sarah the girl who doesn’t have the coolest outfits from places like Target? (All of us grew up in small logging towns mind you, Target was cool, Goodwill was standard, free was below standard, Nordstrom’s was for weddings and weddings alone.)

About the same time I started receiving attention from the coolest, the most pious, the most happenin’ dude on campus my counselors realized that I was a complete loser. I believe it was this motivation that allowed me to be selected for what was to become the most embarrassing moment of my life. I was chosen to go out on the boat and to lay on an inner tube, whilst being drug behind said inner tube at extremely high speeds. AWESOME!!!!! (I’m not afraid of a challenge!) Frankly I felt honored. I was chosen, the bitchy girls in my cabin weren’t. Yay me! And frankly I was still way too dumb to understand that said “cool boy” was diggin’ on me. It was my one and only reprieve from the horrors of being the biggest loser at camp.

It was a golden Pacific Northwest day. Mid-eighties. Sun shining. The water looked like diamonds. There were about 6 of us on the boat, including counselors. We took off. Kids rode the tube, had fun, laughed, splashed, enjoyed themselves. Then it was my turn.

Let’s not forget that it was my first lady time ever. I had enough anxiety about this situation. I climbed in. The driver gunned the engine. We took off. IT WAS GREAT!!!!!!!!!! I held on for dear life. Back and forth, back and forth across the wake. Jumping, spinning, never falling off! This was my redeeming moment! Maybe I don’t know much about Jesus, but you can bet your sweet patuckus I DO KNOW HOW TO HAVE FUN!

I give the signal to turn up the juice. The driver complies. We go faster, here’s a jump, there’s a turn, another jump, we turn into our own wake……..

Then……………

……………..I am suddenly cartwheeling through the air. Literally my body is flying as if I were trying to hold my arms out in star fashion and just go sideways. Legs and arms splayed, permed hair flying in every direction. After several cartwheels I come down…. Into the lake…… butt first….. butthole first….. to be graphic……. The lake, the entire lake, went into my butthole at about 70 mph. (Still not sure how the boat didn’t sink quite frankly.)

Just like that I was in the water having been anally raped by a lake. What to do? What to do? I didn’t have time to think about it, because THE LAKE STARTED COMING OUT OF MY ASS. Right. Into. My. Bathing. Suit.

OH! SHIT!

As my bowels were exploding I saw the boat turning around. Warning flag up, tow rope and tube behind. Folks inside unconcerned and enjoying the effort it took to unhorse me.

THEY’RE COMING BACK AND I’M SHITTING MY PANTS!!!!!!

I did that thing wherein you wiggle around your bathing suit (if you’ve ever been in this situation that is) and your butt simultaneously, trying to expend all excrement out of the area. Then…. I swam away, which perplexed the skipper quite a bit. “A hem… why would you leave the scene? We’re trying to rescue you.”

I stayed in the water, acting exhausted as long as I possibly could, the regretfully pulled myself into the boat. I just sat there, stationary, without joy for the remainder of the trip. Of course all the other kids on the boat were wildly popular, older, and cool as all heck.

When we arrived back at the dock I stood up. Upon getting off of the boat I reached behind me to grab my towel AND SAW IT………………….

…….. A .WET. TURD. PILE……..

The lake wasn’t done with me as soon as I’d anticipated. I immediately ran to the bathroom and sat there for quite some time. At some point one of the “cool guys” from the boat ran in chanting, “Sarah shit her pants. Sarah shit her pants.” Of course I screamed back, “No I didn’t! What are you talking about?!” Yeah, I had totally shit my pants.

…………….Flash forward through camp. Ben never stopped hanging out with me.  I believe the rumors spread…. Ahem…. The truth spread about my shitting myself….. But still. He was cool. Then a few weeks later, he came to my 13th birthday party and held my hand and gave me a kiss on the cheek!

Moral of the story?

Nope. There isn’t one. I just wanted to tell it.

A week of rants in the life of Sarah

I’ve not published anything about real me in a bit so here goes. Just a list of things that I found interesting this week.

Irritations:

1. Yesterday in class we watched a documentary. I love them so very much (not sarcasm) and was excited to see it. Sadly, angrily, abhorrently, the lady next to me cleared her throat every 2 minutes for the entire duration of the film. I believe I missed key plot points whilst silently talking myself out of bashing her head in with my book. I left for documentary 2 and intend to download and watch it alone this weekend.

2. I’m not certain why, but something that bothers me more than anything else in the office is when I run out of staples AND don’t have any more staples in my desk drawer. It makes no sense. I run out of paper much more frequently and with both actions I have to go back to the supply closet and get more. For some unaccountable reason stapling something and nothing affixing the pages together and then not being able to immediately rectify the situation drives me bonkers!

***In related news for some other strange reason I cannot comprehend I think of my good friend Delia when I’m pulling staples out of paper. Who knows?

3. Last Saturday at 6 p.m. I bought groceries for our little home bbq and along with that 3 lbs of strawberries. Nick had previously purchased a bunch of ice cream sandwiches. By 8 p.m. Nick had eaten all of the strawberries not leaving me a single one. In the same 2 hours he ate 2 ice cream sandwiches, a 12 oz ribeye, salad, and if I’m not mistaken just a bunch of cheese. Can I get 1? Just 1? Please? I am begging you here.

News:

Midterms are next week. Yikes!

Conflicts:

In the course of the last 9 months Nick has convinced me to up the price of every major purchase. On the low end he has convinced me to increase by no less than 28% (including the house) on the high end it has more than doubled (TV). I put my foot down finally and emphatically placed a hard budget on a grill for the deck. I told him in no way would I waiver from said grill price. He priced out grills for a couple of weeks and came at me with what he thought was THE PERFECT GRILL.

***Catch?*** Of course there was. It was 33% more than what I had budgeted. At first I was irritated. My thought processes were going back and forth about the importance of a good grill versus the importance of sticking to my guns. (It seems like I’m being set up to eventually cave into the demands of every child we have.) I enlisted the opinions of others and finally came to the conclusion… Okay… If it’s important to you and the best grill, go ahead and get it.

A few hours later, conversing with Nick again…. He had found out that the model he wanted wasn’t an authentic brand; the brand name was licensed for use by another company thus sullying the grill. Further, upon seeing more reviews it wasn’t that great after all.

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I was morally compromised for nothing! What the heck?!

Ultimately I am just so sick to death of hearing about grill specs I have come to the command decision to bump up my original grill budget by another 10% (total increase 43%). This comes with a promise from Nick that he not tell me about any more grills what-so-ever until he has completed all research, loves it, knows I’ll love it, and is ready to buy.

How does he manipulate me like this?

I guess I love him.

Good Stuff:

1. The book Flatland by Edwin Abbott Abbott

2. Political Science

3. My new plants

4. Steak

5. Grandpa’s birthday party is at our house this weekend!

To placenta or not to placenta? That is the question.

Last night Jess and I had quite the text conversation, which subsequently led to follow-up via voice. It must be shared.

I received this photo with the caption, “These are the times I wish I had a husband…”

Dead placenta covered mouse.

Me, “Ahahahahaha. Want me to do it?”

Her, “I handled two rats at the old house, but this one is covered in placenta.”

Me, “Placenta is good for your hair. You should save that part.”

Her, “Vomit… in… mouth…”

Me, “You can buy it at Walgreens. I love it. I’ll get you some next time. It comes in fancy glass vials. Think PETA would destroy me for this?”

Her, “If you can actually buy placenta at Walgreens I may never shop there again. After having DELIVERED placenta out of my hoo hoo I can honestly say… Bleh!”

My next message that never got sent because I got a phone call from mom informing me that Nick and I were now hosting my sister’s birthday party 48 hours later. Had to hop into action. (Not a complaint, just changed focus rapidly.) This is what I intended to send but forgot. “Not just there. All drug stores, Fred Meyer, Target… They all sell this hair care product. I’m sure it’s not human baby, but animal baby. Works like a charm.”

Post shopping for bday festivity goods I called Jess (hands free) on the way home. We had a nice little chat about said placenta.

Ring, ring, ring…..

Jess, “Hello?”

Me, “You picked up?! What?! You never pick up. Woo hoo!”

Her, “Ha ha.”

Me, “I can’t believe you don’t want to try this stuff. It’s great for your hair!”

Her, “Again, I will not use any products that are made of the same thing that came out of my hoo hoo.”

Me, “But it has a ton of nutrients and things.”

Her, “Yeah, and cats eat their placentas after giving birth, but have you met me? I am not a cat. Cats also lick their own butts. I do neither of these things. I saw that thing after giving birth to the boys, it is gross and full of slime and blood and all sorts of gross things…..”

My thought that I didn’t say because her statement just got better, “Placenta that I buy is clear. It must go through a thorough cleansing process.”

Her continued, “…You know what else? I heard that there are some people having their placentas made into vitamin capsules and taking them as pills. That is so gross!”

Me, “Hmm…. Well, I’m not a cat and don’t want to eat my placenta right out of my hooey, and I’m not sure about licking my own butt, but getting all those vitamins and nutrients back in your body can’t be a bad thing. I’m going to have to look in to these so-called placenta vitamins. Seriously though. You can get this stuff everywhere, all drug stores and super stores. I like to combine my placenta hair care with cholesterol.”

Her, “You can use my cholesterol in your hair whenever you like.”

Me, “Thanks! If I could figure out a way to do it without killing you and ripping your veins out of your body I’d take you up on that.”

Her, “And you are disgusting. I don’t know if we can still be friends.”

Me, “That’s not true. I’ve said and done far worse things than this.”

Her, “True.”

Ahahahahahahaha

In a conversation with mom this morning she said that someone who shall remain nameless unless they want to reveal themselves planted her baby’s placenta under a rose bush. It grew beautifully! I can personally attest to it.

Such a diverse baby bi-product.

Placenta hair care product. Photo courtesy of http://www.beautyencounter.com.

Here are some alternative uses for placenta from TheCradle.com.