To placenta or not to placenta? That is the question.

Last night Jess and I had quite the text conversation, which subsequently led to follow-up via voice. It must be shared.

I received this photo with the caption, “These are the times I wish I had a husband…”

Dead placenta covered mouse.

Me, “Ahahahahaha. Want me to do it?”

Her, “I handled two rats at the old house, but this one is covered in placenta.”

Me, “Placenta is good for your hair. You should save that part.”

Her, “Vomit… in… mouth…”

Me, “You can buy it at Walgreens. I love it. I’ll get you some next time. It comes in fancy glass vials. Think PETA would destroy me for this?”

Her, “If you can actually buy placenta at Walgreens I may never shop there again. After having DELIVERED placenta out of my hoo hoo I can honestly say… Bleh!”

My next message that never got sent because I got a phone call from mom informing me that Nick and I were now hosting my sister’s birthday party 48 hours later. Had to hop into action. (Not a complaint, just changed focus rapidly.) This is what I intended to send but forgot. “Not just there. All drug stores, Fred Meyer, Target… They all sell this hair care product. I’m sure it’s not human baby, but animal baby. Works like a charm.”

Post shopping for bday festivity goods I called Jess (hands free) on the way home. We had a nice little chat about said placenta.

Ring, ring, ring…..

Jess, “Hello?”

Me, “You picked up?! What?! You never pick up. Woo hoo!”

Her, “Ha ha.”

Me, “I can’t believe you don’t want to try this stuff. It’s great for your hair!”

Her, “Again, I will not use any products that are made of the same thing that came out of my hoo hoo.”

Me, “But it has a ton of nutrients and things.”

Her, “Yeah, and cats eat their placentas after giving birth, but have you met me? I am not a cat. Cats also lick their own butts. I do neither of these things. I saw that thing after giving birth to the boys, it is gross and full of slime and blood and all sorts of gross things…..”

My thought that I didn’t say because her statement just got better, “Placenta that I buy is clear. It must go through a thorough cleansing process.”

Her continued, “…You know what else? I heard that there are some people having their placentas made into vitamin capsules and taking them as pills. That is so gross!”

Me, “Hmm…. Well, I’m not a cat and don’t want to eat my placenta right out of my hooey, and I’m not sure about licking my own butt, but getting all those vitamins and nutrients back in your body can’t be a bad thing. I’m going to have to look in to these so-called placenta vitamins. Seriously though. You can get this stuff everywhere, all drug stores and super stores. I like to combine my placenta hair care with cholesterol.”

Her, “You can use my cholesterol in your hair whenever you like.”

Me, “Thanks! If I could figure out a way to do it without killing you and ripping your veins out of your body I’d take you up on that.”

Her, “And you are disgusting. I don’t know if we can still be friends.”

Me, “That’s not true. I’ve said and done far worse things than this.”

Her, “True.”

Ahahahahahahaha

In a conversation with mom this morning she said that someone who shall remain nameless unless they want to reveal themselves planted her baby’s placenta under a rose bush. It grew beautifully! I can personally attest to it.

Such a diverse baby bi-product.

Placenta hair care product. Photo courtesy of http://www.beautyencounter.com.

Here are some alternative uses for placenta from TheCradle.com.

The Joys of Office Work

Sometimes Jessica and I like to update each other on how we’re doing during the day by emailing each other pictures. Yesterday’s string I found particularly hilarious.

Me, “Today is going like this……..”

Jess, “Mine is going like this…”

Jess update a few hours later, “So you know how my morning started. This is what it has progressed into:”

My reply, “Here’s mine.”

At least we get to briefly smile amidst the busy work day.

I love Jessica.

Today’s updates are:

Jessica to me, “I tried to comment on your post with a new picture of how today is going, but it wouldn’t let me paste the picture in. So here is today:

My reply/rant, “Here’s me. Because people all believe that they are the only flipping person I do work for. Because their project is THE project, and that they should have 1st priority over my time. Let’s just think about this. How many projects are we working on right now?! Like 30-ish (paperwork wise anyway) and my hand is in each batch of cookie dough. I have to work on ALL of them. They only see their job and don’t realize that I have to get it all done. I’m being nagged and am pissed!

The… Neighbor… Walked… In……….

Update at the bottom…..***Now there’s another one!!!!****

***INAPPROPRIATE!***DON’T READ THIS IF YOU’RE A FAMILY MEMBER AND DON’T WANT TO KNOW DETAILS!***INAPPROPRIATE! ***IN-LAWS AND GRANDPARENTS PLEASE STAY AWAY!***INAPPROPRIATE!***AS GOOD AS A “THE HANGOVER” STORY***INAPPROPRIATE!***

There are times in our lives when we think we’ve lost the crazy, twenty-something, person we used to be. There are times in our lives when we question whether or not we are really satisfied with our suburban lifestyles. There are times in our lives when we really wonder if settling down is what we want. And then there are times in our lives when we realize that we haven’t settled at all, that we, in fact, have just found that perfect someone that complements our bat-shit-craziness and we are grateful. This is one of those bat-shit-crazy appreciative stories.

Today is 9 calendar days before we are supposed to close on our house in one of the swankiest (family) neighborhoods in one of the swankiest suburbs of Portland, Oregon. Today we ran into some complications. Complications that, even though I have been on Prozac for months, and taking counseling weekly for months, started smoking again for the last 6 weeks, and dropped all of my classes this term, could not prevent the massive anxiety attack they produced. I had to rant to my best friend Jessica.

During said rant we nagged, bitched, complained, plotted, stormed and got our feelings out. Both of us work in the construction industry, she for 11 years, and me for 5. We are aware of certain standards, and we had ourselves a hey-day with the whole debacle. During said rant I got up, grabbed my pack of smokes and my lighter, and opened the door to walk outside. I had opened the door about 12 inches wherein a puppy-dog ran inside, landed on my feet and started doing laps around the living room. It was an adorable pup. I thought it was funny and it seems that Squeak, our cat, wasn’t very upset with his presence. He ran right up to her for a sniff and her back was only slightly arched. I opened the door wide to let the owner of the pup in to get the dog and she kept apologizing profusely. Of course I just laughed that I’d screamed and said it was okay. As she took her dog away I kept reassuring her everything was fine and then explained why I’d screamed in her ear to Jessica. Jess and I had a good laugh. I told her about other incidences of pups running rampant through the condo. We live in the closest unit to the dog park, so this has happened a few times. It’s pretty cute.

Nick, the darling man, knowing I was unbelievably crazed by the house building/inspection situation at hand, offered to pick us up Chinese for dinner earlier on. I readily accepted and during the convo with Jess he showed up. Jess and I hung up with the disclaimer that if I could not calm down she would be receiving a phone call demanding retail therapy. She accepted.

I began to take some bites of food and related the pup story to Nick. The following conversation ensued:

Nick, “How long did you have the door open? I mean did you forget your lighter and walk back and the dog ran in?”

Me, “No, I had barely opened the door and the dog surprised me. He literally landed on my shoes running inside and did laps.”

Nick, “Did the owner say anything weird?”

Me, “No she just apologized a ton of times. I tried to make her feel better but she seemed really sorry and walked away.”

Nick, “Did she come into the condo at all.”

Me, “Yeah, she made a few steps in to get her dog. Why?”

Nick, “Do you think she noticed the sex swing?”

Me, “…………………………………,” really long pause, “………………………….,” mouth dropping, “……………………..,” realization hits, “OH…………… MY………………. GOD! I didn’t even think of that!!!!!!!”

Nick, “Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Uproarious laughter from the couch. I don’t even hear him laugh this hard at the show Wipeout.

Me, “Oh! I didn’t even think about that! We are such pervs! It’s just normal to me! CRAP! SHE SAW THE SEX SWING!”

Nick, “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Me, “I. Don’t. Know. What. To. Say. Right. Now.” My face turning the color of a beet.

Nick, “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you going to call Jessica back and tell her about this detail?”

Me, “…. Yes….. Of course….. I’m. Still. In. Shock. What the crap?!”

So I called Jessica and informed her that the sex swing was still erected from Valentine’s Day. I hadn’t told her previously, but had to tell her now. It was WAY too good a story not to share.

Nick had actually been a GLORIOUS man and given me the best gift anyone could ever ask for. It was too inappropriate to post on Facebook, and for that I’d been a little sorry.

Nick’s present was, on his lunch break he prepped all the ingredients for our favorite dinner, Kraft Chicken Mexicali Salad (lettuce, Shake-n-Bake chicken, beans, corn, cheese, and ranch) and had it in the fridge ready to bake when we got home. He had also surprised me with the erection of our sex swing. WE’RE NEWLYWEDS DON’T JUDGE US! And I’m Sarah and he’s Nick so it’s the very least you should expect.

Could you say no to this man?! ***www.jmjphotog.com

Said sex swing was still up 2 days after V-day because we didn’t see any use in bringing it down before we were ready. The neighbor lady and her dog both walked in, saw the thing, and probably thought we were going to try to sex torture her to death THEN RAN FOR THE MOTHER-FLIPPIN’ HILLS! Me, being the Sarah-Perv that I am, never once thought of it at all even though it is an enormous spider looking thing right in front of the TV (where else are we supposed to put it in a 1 bedroom 800 square foot condo?!). I had truly believed she was only uncomfortable with her dog being in our place. It never once occurred to me that she may have been slightly intimidated by the giant black contraption with stirrups in the middle of the living room. OH. DEAR. GOD.

Wow.

I LOVE MY HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NICK YOU ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

***Side note. This is my fortune from the Chinese Nick brought home tonight, “There is excitement to be found wherever you go.”*** I AM SO IN LOVE! ***After a little conversation Nick agreed this is one of the better stories of my life and agreed that it should be told. Nor should we be embarrassed by our dirty love. ;)***

***And for copyright purposes… If I read about this story, or if I watch it in a screenplay I am most certainly suing for the rights. There is no possible way this could be thought up by your random writer. Sorry folks but it’s my story. Thanks. However, if you want to use it royalties are totally cool. Just shoot me an email and we’ll work something out.***

My ironic fortune tonight.

Update from above *** So this makes absolutely no sense. No one comes over ever. I mean I can literally count the number of times we’ve had company or door knockers on two hands…. Guess what? A friendly neighbor who apparently knows my car knocked tonight to inform me that my rear passenger window was rolled down. He knocked, I was in a robe and that swing is still up. Once again i just thanked him, closed the door, and then….. after 20 minutes plus I realized that with the door open he probably saw what was going on. One good indicator was how many times he apologized for disturbing. Ugh. Why can’t I learn my lesson the 1st time?!

***Sweet mother of mercy! Now, tonight, 2/21/12, a person accidentally gave the wrong address to a pizza delivery guy. Dude dinged on the doorbell. What the living hell?!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not only will everyone in Beaverton view this thing, but my repetitive blogs will keep it going too. Well crap…. here’s a toast to dirty love.****

Aliens Have Taken Over My Pants

This is an email conversation between Jessica and I about two years ago. Please note, Nick and I were not yet living together, nor were we engaged. Mostly I just slept over at his place or vice versa every night.

Sarah: Okay. Mystery for you to solve.

Yesterday when I got home I took a bath and left my clothes on the floor in the bathroom all night. Today when I woke up I decided that I wanted to wear the same jeans. When I dried off after my shower I went into the bathroom and put on my pants. When I put them on I realized they were not the same pants as I was wearing yesterday, but they were crumpled on the floor with my yesterday clothes. I do not remember any other clothing being in my bathroom because I cleaned my house Thursday and stayed at Nick’s all weekend. I have no reason to believe anyone would have the ability to mess with me and switch my pants just to confuse me, however that is what I believe happened.

Jessica: There are only three possibilities here.

A.  You had other dirty clothes on the floor that you didn’t realize were there when you put your clothes there before the bath. And mistakenly grabbed the wrong pair of jeans this morning (this can be solved by looking in the bathroom when you get home and seeing if there is still a pair on the floor, indicating that there were two this morning)

B.  You were not actually wearing the pants you think you were yesterday, and therefore when you took them off and put them on the floor, and then grabbed them this morning you only THINK they were switched, when in reality, they are the same pair you wore yesterday, you just forgot.

C.  Your body is possessed by the life force of another being, and when you go to sleep, the other being kicks in and takes over your body. It got up after you went to bed, put on a different pair of pants and went out for the night. It proceeded to beat to a pulp your upstairs neighbors because it is also annoyed by them. And then it went out to find the cool after hours alternative life force parties, this is where all of the bodies that are possessed by these creatures hang out, and they live it up in your body while you are sleeping. It was an exceptionally good evening. This life force (lets call her Charlie, that way if I’m wrong and it’s a boy, it works either way) so Charlie got a little too much into the partying, and had a little too much alien life juice. Charlie got home pretty late and stripped down in the bathroom, laying the incorrect pants on the ground and forgetting that they came from the closet. In all of the drunken stupor this minimal mistake has now cost Charlie more that she could ever know. Because now you know about her. And you can reveal their secret society. However, people forget things all the time. So luckily for Charlie and all of the other life forces that take over our bodies while we sleep, you will more likely brush it off as option A or B. And never pursue the alternative revealing the secrets that go on when we sleep. Lucky Charlie. But be more careful…

Personally I go with C. It would explain why you were so tired. But, then again…

Sarah: Well. 1st, you’re crazy and I love it and I think you should write for a living (not just edit) because I was totally stimulated by your psycho conspiracy theory.

  1. I actually thought of this option this morning and looked on my floor several times (in case I was blind the first few) and could not for the life of me find any other jeans on my bathroom floor.
  2. I know which pants I was wearing yesterday because they’re some of the “I’m proud of myself pants.” I haven’t worn them in almost a year because I got too big for them. Now they fit again! Yay! The ones I put on this morning were the ones that signaled I needed to go on a diet in the first place. The ones that I bought and were really big on me and not stretchy at all so when they got tight I got scared.
  3. I like this theory. I especially like that my alien that takes over my body’s name is Charlie. I’ve decided this will be my stripper name if I ever become one. I don’t know if I’d ever expose anyone that decided to take out my evil upstairs neighbors. I think this one I’ll have to keep quiet about and just act like I don’t know a thing.

Once again, thank you for being an inspiration and clearing up the questions of the universe for me.

Jessica: Thanks! I myself wonder where I come up with these things sometimes… It’s all that crazy living in my head just waiting to come out. Or maybe my alien is just dying to tell her story…

douchebaggeryandothershenanigans Introduced

Woo hoo! The brand new blog douchebaggeryandothershenanigans is officially my best friend expressing herself to the world. So awesome.

Here’s her first one. Competitions With Inanimate Objects.

Happy reading!

Rate Sarah’s Internet Date

- Now available as a board game! Just kidding. Trademark though. I call trademark! (To make this sentence work do I have to punch someone in the shoulder? What are the rules?) :) On with the story…

This may come across as horrible and talking about past dating experiences while married may also be ill-advised. It will actually probably paint me in a light that is easy to judge. Regardless I think this story needs to be told. I’m confident in my life choices, and Nick has heard all of this before. It’s no surprise. So… Away we go.

As stated on my “Meet Sarah” portion of this blog I was an internet dater before meeting my husband. Not exclusively into online dating, but I definitely explored all available options. Now we all know there is definite risk in this behavior. People have been raped and murdered meeting up with strangers. I was extremely aware of the possibilities and never went on 1st dates at a house. They were always in public places. Yay me! Granted there’s always the possibility of roofies, but I tried to avoid that as well.

I would also call myself something of a serial dater. It is pretty clear on date #1 if you want to go on another. It is positively clear by date #3 whether or not you want to continue. I almost never made it to, much less past, date #3.

Let’s add in the hyperactivity factor. I was a single woman, lived with roommates for a bit, and then alone and only had 1 full-time job to worry about. I also wasn’t a big fan of sleep. No, I’ve never tried cocaine (or any other of those kinds of drugs), but my energy level reflected the opposite. I just had to be out doing something and couldn’t always rely upon my friends to constantly amuse me.

The whole combination of above factors led me to going out on more dates than I can remember, or should admit. It was a lot of fun. Even the crazies were amusing. Living life is AWESOME!

Upon going on a 1st date with a man who conversed about the fact that should we marry we would have 3 children and actually started picking out names I decided maybe I needed a posse to help me out.

Enter Jessica and Eric. We decided it would be prudent that when available we could position them in a nearby location at whatever establishment I was at so they could swoop in and help me make a quick get away. This was also very good in getting a trifecta of first impressions. We named this activity, “Rate Sarah’s Internet Date.”

Unbeknownst to me, prior to our agreement they had already created a chart of the names of the men I talked about. They would write their names, possibly nicknames I had for them, and key features that would make them recall who the heck it was I was blabbing about. They would use it as a tool when we talked on the phone so they could stay in the conversation.

Needless to say, sorry men who were unknowingly subjected to this, we had an earnest discussion about the attributes of the fellas. Not a one of the witnessed dates was any good for me per our calculations. Actually, they typically turned out to be the freakos that completely misrepresent themselves on their page. Dang that makes me mad!

What is even more incredible about the whole thing is because of their fantastic administrative skills they actually remember more about my 2007, 2008 and early ’09 dating life than I do! They just whip out the ol’ chart and correct me when I  misstate sequences of events, or can’t recall some poor bugger I ultimately was uninterested in.

I love my friends.

Jessica & Eric - Two of the best people ever!

Possibly the best voicemail ever

Today an email from my best friend made me wildly happy. I must share it.

From Jessica:

Oh! I have a funny thing. So my vonage translates my voicemails into text and emails me. This is an actual translation. I have no idea what the lady really wanted:

“Hi, this message is for Jessica Place this is Lisa Troop. I wasn’t some faucet that’s been assigned your phone. I did e-mailed the loan officer as well. I’m letting her know that there was a form that I e-mailed over to her asking her to fault. You asked. I’m breaking fast sent you to help you to get the hospital security form completed and sent back. So if you could please give her a call and make arrangements to meet with Bertha branch. Just wanna requires your signature and then she said once upon some [...] to see what’s up with the form and fax it here. Our file. Press. I’m sorry, please feel free to give me a call if you have any questions my telephone number is 77378194576 extension is 372-0166 thank you and have a great”

I hope you don’t pee too much. As I did A LOT when I read it.

End message from Jessica.

It was very difficult for me not to pee when I read this. That is the very best voicemail I have ever read in my life. :)

I wonder how this could be translated into English?

Jessica Vs. Delivery Guy

I received this email from my best friend today:

“I am frustrated with brown delivery service right now. I called to ask about my phone, because it has been sent and the estimated delivery date is 9/2 (Friday) I wanted to know if the sender requested a signature, because I won’t be home. Here is the conversation:

Me: “Hi, I would like to ask a question about a package I am receiving.”
Guy: “Ok, I would be happy to help you with question, what is package info?”
Me: (pause) “Would you like the tracking number?”
Guy: “Sure”
Me: (told him tracking number)
Guy: “Ok, what is question?”
Me: “I am wondering if the sender requested a signature on this package, I see that it is scheduled to be delivered Friday and I know that I will not be home on Friday, I will be at work all day”
Guy: “Ok…” “It looks like the shipper did not request a signature.”
Me: “Oh good, so they will be able to leave it on the porch then.”
Guy: “Unfortunately it is at the driver’s discretion if they will leave the package or not.”
Me: “Even if a signature isn’t required? How is it up to them? Their job is to deliver the package.”
Guy: “If the driver feels like the package could be stolen, they will not leave it”
Me: “That is ridiculous. Any package can be stolen any time. Do they never leave them? No, I can answer that for you because I have received packages before when I am not home. They leave them.” (giant exasperated sigh) “Can I request that the package be held at a location instead of delivered then and I can pick it up? I know I will not be home Friday to receive it.”
Guy: “You cannot request a hold for pick up before one delivery attempt is made.”
Me: “But the delivery date is Friday, you are closed Monday, so if I am not there to get it, which I already know I won’t be, I cannot get my package until Tuesday?”
Guy: “That is correct.”
Me: “That is B.S. It’s a 3 day select delivery.”
Guy: “It will be attempted on day 3. If you aren’t there, they will leave a notice.”
Me: “Lucky for you I am psychic and I KNOW I WON’T BE THERE.”
Guy: “Then you will get a notice. You can call the number and give them that notice number and they can arrange to hold it for you.”
Me: “On Saturday?”
Guy: “On the next business day, which would be Tuesday.”
Me: “Aaahhh!. Nevermind!” (and I hung up)

End scene”

Increasing her frustration is the fact that the brown delivery service shipping facility is one block from her office. This would be very convenient were she allowed to pick up the package herself.

Score 1 for brown, but if I know my friend, this isn’t over.