Avery HATES the transition between warm bath and cold air. It is typically a huge meltdown event that ends once we warm her up. The key to this operation is… well we’re still trying to figure that out. This is a 2 parent operation.
The steps taken to wash our baby are as follows:
1. I nurse the baby until she’s topped off.
2. Ensure a good burp.
3. If the house isn’t already at 72, heat it to 72.
4. Turn on fireplace in the great room.
5. Go upstairs to get baby washing gear such as towels, washcloths, etc…
6. Turn on oven to bake.
7. Put 2 towels into the oven to warm.
8. Remember that since she’s getting a bath a new outfit is in order. Go back upstairs to get baby clothing.
9. Get tub from pantry.
10. Begin to fill tub.
11. Place clean diaper on couch ottoman.
12. Place diaper bag changing pad on the couch ottoman.
13. When tub is almost done filling undress baby and wipe up any diaper messes.
14. Check tub temperature for optimal baby comfort.
15. Carry naked baby brusquely, yet safely, from the living room to the kitchen.
16. Place baby in bath.
17. Tell Nick the water is too high.
18. Disagree for a minute.
19. Thwart his attempt to remove the baby and dump some water. Reason that our meltdown preventative measures will be useless if we take her out of the water. Encourage the use of a cup instead.
20. Remove excess water.
21. Re-position baby, because in this short time she has kicked her legs repeatedly and pushed her head dangerously near the edge of her bath ramp thing.
22. Place 1 washcloth on the baby’s tummy.
23. Nick is designated the “cup man” so he starts pouring the warm water on the tummy wash cloth and her limbs. Continuous throughout the bathing process.
24. Use washcloth to wash her face, neck, arms, legs and head.
25. Have Nick lift baby to sitting position and wash her back and the back of her head.
26. Back into the lying down position on the baby bath ramp.
27. Wash her lady parts and butt.
Now the fun begins.
28. Remove towels from the oven and cool them, because now they’re too hot.
29. I take one towel and position with one hand in hood area, other in the anticipated body area.
29. Nick is the naked, wet, slippery baby handler. He picks her up and transfers her to me as if she were a stick of dynamite leaking nitroglycerin.
30. I catch the baby in the warm towel and say loudly, “Get the other towel on top of her!”
31. He turns in a circle a few times wasting precious time, finds the towel, then places it on the baby.
32. I walk brusquely, yet safely, from the kitchen to the living room.
33. Avery begins to scream.
34. I gently place her on the changing pad and we begin to dry her off using the two warm towels.
35. We remember she isn’t wearing a diaper.
36. Look for the diaper. Can’t find it.
37. Nick gets up and grabs a diaper from the Pack ‘n’ Play, which is just a few feet away luckily.
38. Put on diaper.
***She’s still crying.***
39. Continue operation dry off/warm up.
40. Look for her new outfit. Can’t find it.
41. I get up to look for it in the kitchen. Not there.
42. In a stroke of brilliance I think of where it might be and ask Nick to pick up the baby.
43. Find the outfit under the changing pad on the ottoman with the first diaper we set out. Of course.
44. Place crying baby back on the changing pad on the ottoman.
45. Attempt to get onesie on a distressed baby.
46. Nick repeatedly asking me why we need to wash the baby so much. His logic being, “It’s not like she goes to the gym or anything.”
47. Me pausing to remind him of the fact that she is covered in fluids like poop, pee, spit up, milk, dead skin, and sweat on a daily basis. Furthermore please look up the frequency babies should be bathed on the Mayo Clinic, Web MD, and Baby Center sites which is exactly what I’m following.
48. Realize we’re arguing about baby bathing while the baby is still upset.
50. Avery’s head is in the onesie. Woo hoo!
51. Both of us grab an arm of the onesie and attempt to place her arms inside.
52. Realize there is not enough slack to put both arms in at once.
53. I take over the arms operation.
54. The crying subsides by .005 decibels upon both of her arms being inside the warm clothing.
55. Button the onesie.
56. Each of us put on a sock. This doesn’t require slack so double teaming works with this particular type of clothing.
57. I put on her pants.
58. Pick up crying baby and walk on my knees across the living room toward the fireplace.
59. Sit cross-legged in front of the fireplace.
60. Place her mouth on my boob.
61. Crap. She’s still crying and not taking the boob.
62. Tell Nick to grab one of the towels.
62. Nick delivers the wettest towel.
63. Tell Nick to grab the other towel that’s pretty dry.
64. Nick delivers the drier towel.
65. Have him dry her hair better while I attempt to get her to nurse.
66. Say lots of loving phrases trying to soothe her. *Actually we’ve been doing this the entire time anyway. **When we’re not arguing about how often to bathe a baby that is.
66. Crying is tapering down.
67. Avery latches on. Woo hoo!
68. It’s getting hot really fast by this freaking fireplace.
69. Somehow manage to hold the baby and go from sitting cross-legged to standing with no hands.
70. Walk to the couch.
71. Ask for the Boppy.
72. Ask Nick to place the Boppy in my lap.
73. Place baby on the Boppy and relatch.
74. Ask Nick for one of her baby blankets located across the room.
75. Place blanket around baby.
76. Listen to Avery grump at me with reproachful sounds that we made her go through this whole ordeal for the next 20 minutes until she falls asleep.