Police searching for missing teenage girl from Glenburn (bangordailynews.com)
Police search for missing Glenburn girl (wgme.com)
Police search for missing Glenburn girl (sfgate.com)
Squeak isn’t fond of baby clothing. She prefers her fur coat to this 100% cotton/cotton blend.
TMI ALERT!!!!!!!! If you don’t like my graphic blogs do not read this one. If you like laughing at my expense as much as I do, feel free to continue.
Tonight I was on the couch and felt a bunch of stuff going on in my tummy. Alarmed and excited I stopped moving. I thought, “Is this it?! Is the baby moving in there?! Is it finally my turn to feel this lump of goodness growing in my belly?! Woo hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
I spent the next 15 minutes gently poking myself in the tummy and then holding my general uterus area. I held my breath for about 30 seconds at time so there could be no possible interference. On a number of occasions I felt a little wiggle and got even more elated! I won’t deny that I slapped myself a couple of times until I realized that was probably like little fishes in a tank and immediately felt very guilty. Crap, I’m screwing the kid up already. Ugh.
THE BABY! THE BABY IS MOVING AROUND! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!
Happy dance, happy dance…….
I declared to myself that this child is a genius to make Mommy feel it moving around before 16 weeks when it’s extremely likely to feel nothing until 25 weeks with a first baby. Plans began to form of state Spelling Bee championships, Intel Science and Engineering Fair awards, MIT, the Nobel Prize….. This is obviously a freaking miracle child!
And I rush to the facilities.
My genius baby, the next Albert Einstein or Stephen Hawking, The Brain from Pinky & The Brain is nothing more than Montezuma’s Revenge. Ugh. No? Don’t get the reference? Okay, the Hershey Squirts. Still nothing? Diarrhea. And one helluva case of gas to boot.
Well it looks like I’m still waiting to feel movement. I still hold that this babe is a genius though. Obviously I’m not supposed to eat/love Thai food right now and this is his/her way of telling me.
I will fill the rest of the post with pictures of my baby
bump, er, flat tummy, okay, okay, somewhat flabby belly that’s the same size as I had before.
Has this happened to anyone else?
Because I am apparently in love with hurling my guts out and a lot of food either gives me heartburn, or even the thought of it makes me gag, I’m on a pretty bland and specific diet. I still need to get all of my nutrients, but I can’t just grill a steak and eat a salad, make Chicken Cacciatore, or nuke some chili. The thought of all of those foods gives me instant bitter beer face. So, we’ve officially begun foraging for ourselves in this household and there should be a division of food. Here’s what really happens:
I get enough yogurt, berries, granola, milk, bananas, grapes, certain veggies, a big variety of fish and seafood, tunafish sandwich supplies, etc… to last a week or two. I then proceed to eat everything I need to sustain myself and the littl’un for about 48 hours.
It’s heaven. Not puky. Not hungry. Awesome.
Then, after said 48 hours are up I open the fridge………………………………
ALL OF MY FREAKING FOOD IS GONE………………..
A very specific diet that should sustain a woman eating for two for a one to two-week period has been consumed entirely by a.) A ghost that must have been buried in the ground beneath the foundation of this house since we’re the first people to ever live here or b.) Honey Bunny.
Whoever the preggo menu food thief is actually has a lot of other options to choose from. The fixin’s for the dishes I mentioned previously are all available including lots of leftover junk from the Superbowl, soup, PBJ stuff, bacon and other pork products, frozen beef, pork, chicken, turkey…… pasta, rice, cereal, pancake mix, frozen pizza, Lean Cuisines, other types of veggies that said preggo doesn’t want to eat, eggs, noodles, egg noodles! The list just goes on and on and on.
Is he/the hypothetical ghost getting sympathy cravings?! What is this?!
Either way, the consequences are exactly the same, Honey Bunny is driving to the store (after a very nicely worded explanation on the importance of his unborn child and me to have food to eat) to replace said mysteriously missing items. Obviously ghosts don’t have money right? As it turns out Honey Bunny doesn’t have much money either. Well at least not in his pocket. He just got back from the store to pick up his payment methods and is on his way back out. I may very well starve to death.
On another note. The cat was just eating ferns out of my Valentine’s Day bouquet and decided to puke them up on the carpet. I’m not really hungry anymore, so I suppose he didn’t need to refill my provisions after all.
No Honey Bunny, please don’t make reservations. I’d prefer to enjoy the food and keep it down none-the-less. Let’s wait until I’m at the ravenously hungry and ballooning to double my size phase.
On a happy note, I’ve never been more grateful to work 10 feet from the ladies room.
Looking forward to next year when we get to spend V-Day with our little love in our arms instead of inside of me, upsetting my tummy.
The mid-week rules are to try and write a story based on a word given on the website using the third definition within the Merriam Webster’s Dictionary. This week’s word is Path (noun) 3: course, route 3b: a way of life, conduct, or thought. Well this just struck my fancy given our recent news. Posts are meant to be between 33 and 333 words long if I’ve read the instructions correctly. I’ve decided to keep mine short and sweet, just 33 words. I don’t expect any recognition or anything, but the challenge word sets me up to tell about a pretty personal experience.
Here goes nothing…..
A three minute wait.
She stands in the bathroom recalling travels, fun, heartbreak, lovers, friends, triumphs, failures.
“I love wine, cigarettes, and sushi.”
Two lines on the stick.
A new path.
Note: BFP means “big fat positive” in pregnancy test land.
There you have it. We’re having a baby. We’re totally pumped about our little bundle of love and joy to arrive in late August or early September. Woo hoo!
That said, as it turns out being pregnant isn’t as much fun as people might think. Here are a few of the hilarious conversations, mostly with my BFF Jessica, and thoughts I’ve had recently.
First, let me preface this by saying we found out on December 21st, the day the Mayans said the world was going to end. Hilarious? Ironic? Portent for a crazy future? I say all of the above.
To Jess: “…………….. I just read something on one of the baby pages about pregnancy anal fissures. FML. Another thing. Puking whilst trying to be quiet and wearing 5 inch heals is extremely difficult. Do you know how far away you are from the bowl in 5 inch heals with a 34 inch inseam? Really friggin’ far!”
To Jess: “Typing: I cannot type correctly at all. If tim’e I’m tring trying to type it just becoe becomes onse one messy piece of jibberish gibberish. If the quiggly squiggly lines were no not under the sentences words I wouldn’t be able to fuction function in an office environment.
Math: I had to void a check because I paid a vendor twice for the same invoice.
Uterus: It feels like I have cupcake frosting moving around in there right now. Interspersed with a samurai warrior that is.
Hunger: I get full quickly, but I eat a lot. My hunger pains happen like every 2 or 3 hours, but I can’t just eat a whole meal. It has to be about ½ size.
Water: Going in = almost 2 gallons of water alone per day. Going out = yeah, that sounds about right.
Sample Google search: “How many gallons of water in a cup?” Doh! Retyped: “How many cups of water in a gallon?”
To Jess: “I just peed so much my body physically deflated. It was like I was one of those blow up Christmas yard decorations after you pull the plug. I feel ½ the size I did when I went in.”
- Holy BOOBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Nick may divorce me after these things deflate back to normal size. I could also have a very promising career in the porn industry.
- Seriously, I can’t eat lunch meat that hasn’t been microwaved to a crisp? Seriously?!
- I never thought my knowledge stores would ever contain the relative sizes/ages of various species fish to make sure my mercury intake was as low as possible.
- So….. you tell me that you’re NOT supposed to put a heating pad on your abdomen for the crippling cramps that come with an expanding uterus eh? Because it’ll basically cook the baby eh? Um…. could someone have sent me an e-pamphlet or something when I called to tell you I peed on a stick and it told me I was pregnant?
- No icy hot?! FML. But I hurt so bad!!!!!!!
- The allowable temperature of a bath at 98.6 degrees is absolute shite! Don’t even try it. Not worth the water wasted to fill the tub. I miss baths so much.
- It’s bad to make fun of your pregnant friends for not being able to drink and then not knock on wood afterward. This is literally how people get pregnant. I don’t think sex has anything to do with it.
- It is possible to drive down a winding highway at 45 mph whilst simultaneously puking into a travel mug. How do I know this? There were no shoulders to pull over on.
- Always keep a toothbrush in your desk at the office. I did before, but now I have more toothpaste.
- Sudafed, I miss you.
- Excedrin Migraine, I miss you.
- Always feeling like you have a 2 day hangover, but not getting the added benefit of drinking your butt off and looking super cool or epicly douchy is no bueno. At least there are cool stories associated with real hangovers. What stories do I get to tell? Passed out on the couch at 8 p.m. watching Grey’s Anatomy reruns again, woke up at 4 a.m. and started puking. Stopped just before I had to get in the shower for work. Puked again at work a few times, oh, and in the car on the way to work. Awesome.
- Sriracha hurts me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Heartburn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ve lost my favorite condiment.
- No I WILL NOT give up that cherished one cup of coffee. Don’t you dare judge me.
- Washing every stinking fruit and vegetable you eat is REALLY time consuming. (Yeah, I’m that girl, I didn’t wash them all before. So there.)
- Pooping is highly underrated by the general populous. It is the most amazing bodily function in the world!!!! You don’t even know this until you can’t anymore. Did you know that in a space of 48 hours you can gain 5 lbs if you’re clogged up and lose it all after one amazing relief filled session in the bathroom?! It’s true. I scientifically tested this!
- Did I mention BOOBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That’s all for now, but I’ll keep everyone updated.
P.S. Must get in a Nick tale where I can. Nick said this to me some time in November/December, “I want to fertilize you with my stuff in 2013.” It was very romantic. I fell in love all over again.